As I was making banana muffins today, I saw this magnet on my fridge with the Romans 8:28 Bible verse. English words just don’t want to come out in their best order today, but there is more light and order in my heart than in my head.
All things that happen to us are not random, even if sometimes I find it hard to believe that God pays attention to all details.
I needed a cold shower of humbleness and revitalized trust and respect for my husband. About three months ago God gave me an unexpected gift of a well paid job offer, just when I thought I can’t go a step further in my current job at that time. And I took it and I made the best of my time at the new job, working with Allison full time, befriending her, learning new skills and programs and regaining confidence in the professionalism and excitement at the work place.
I loved working there… I liked my managers, I enjoyed what I was doing, but that gift was taken away from me just as unexpectedly as it came. And for some reason I couldn’t be upset with God for that. The job allowed us to save more money; it took me out of an overwhelming job context, and just when we were planning to come to Romania this winter, my ties back here broke loose, and now I am able to visit my home-country when my brother’s baby is born.
On a different note, God was so gracious with me to teach me about humbleness again. My husband is now in charge of our income, however big or small that is, and he is living up to it: brave and kind and loving.
We were planning to stay with his parents for a few weeks, before visiting Romania anyway. But now it turns out that we’ll stay with them for a month, while Conrad is building his clients database, finishes a big design project for Barefoot, and gets started with the freelance website. But these days I feel as an outsider more than ever. I am not productive anymore since I don’t have a job; I dislike other people’s expectations of me… because I fear that I won’t be able to meet them and I already feel judged. I wish there was more obvious grace in this context.
But I am glad we clarified the expectations and made living arrangements with my in-laws, splitting the house responsibilities, so tension wouldn’t build up while living there.
I also suspect my brother’s disappointment in our choice of coming to Romania this winter, because he seems to perceive it as a failure… I heard three people asking if “it is that hard over here that we run away to Romania”. And here I am, getting ready for the vacation of my dreams, long and relaxed and inexpensive. To recharge our batteries, just to have enough energy to start this crazy cycle over again in February.
I have been so tempted to do what I think others believe it’s better for us: stay here, start looking for a job right away, keep busy and not stop to think for a second about our real calling, about our direction and purpose. And I fast forward in this particular scenario and I see myself this Christmas: working during the holidays, being extremely tired, and celebrating without snow and without my parents – the forth year in a row, resenting my rush to comply with other people’s expectations of me, of what is rational and responsible to do.
My rush to get a job would be extra motivated out of my distrust in Conrad’s ability to provide… and I need to be still, and trust him and trust God that we won’t starve.
This is a tough time, but as never before, I can rest in Conrad… hence his poem from last weekend. I feel his courage and his strength, and feel like he heard me so clear when he asked me what do I want him to say when I was distressed: to “Tell me you’ll do your best to protect me and provide for us, and you’ll never let me starve”. And I will love and respect him forever. So help me God!
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