Saturday, October 24, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.”
As I was making banana muffins today, I saw this magnet on my fridge with the Romans 8:28 Bible verse. English words just don’t want to come out in their best order today, but there is more light and order in my heart than in my head.
All things that happen to us are not random, even if sometimes I find it hard to believe that God pays attention to all details.
I needed a cold shower of humbleness and revitalized trust and respect for my husband. About three months ago God gave me an unexpected gift of a well paid job offer, just when I thought I can’t go a step further in my current job at that time. And I took it and I made the best of my time at the new job, working with Allison full time, befriending her, learning new skills and programs and regaining confidence in the professionalism and excitement at the work place.
I loved working there… I liked my managers, I enjoyed what I was doing, but that gift was taken away from me just as unexpectedly as it came. And for some reason I couldn’t be upset with God for that. The job allowed us to save more money; it took me out of an overwhelming job context, and just when we were planning to come to Romania this winter, my ties back here broke loose, and now I am able to visit my home-country when my brother’s baby is born.
On a different note, God was so gracious with me to teach me about humbleness again. My husband is now in charge of our income, however big or small that is, and he is living up to it: brave and kind and loving.
We were planning to stay with his parents for a few weeks, before visiting Romania anyway. But now it turns out that we’ll stay with them for a month, while Conrad is building his clients database, finishes a big design project for Barefoot, and gets started with the freelance website. But these days I feel as an outsider more than ever. I am not productive anymore since I don’t have a job; I dislike other people’s expectations of me… because I fear that I won’t be able to meet them and I already feel judged. I wish there was more obvious grace in this context.
But I am glad we clarified the expectations and made living arrangements with my in-laws, splitting the house responsibilities, so tension wouldn’t build up while living there.
I also suspect my brother’s disappointment in our choice of coming to Romania this winter, because he seems to perceive it as a failure… I heard three people asking if “it is that hard over here that we run away to Romania”. And here I am, getting ready for the vacation of my dreams, long and relaxed and inexpensive. To recharge our batteries, just to have enough energy to start this crazy cycle over again in February.
I have been so tempted to do what I think others believe it’s better for us: stay here, start looking for a job right away, keep busy and not stop to think for a second about our real calling, about our direction and purpose. And I fast forward in this particular scenario and I see myself this Christmas: working during the holidays, being extremely tired, and celebrating without snow and without my parents – the forth year in a row, resenting my rush to comply with other people’s expectations of me, of what is rational and responsible to do.
My rush to get a job would be extra motivated out of my distrust in Conrad’s ability to provide… and I need to be still, and trust him and trust God that we won’t starve.
This is a tough time, but as never before, I can rest in Conrad… hence his poem from last weekend. I feel his courage and his strength, and feel like he heard me so clear when he asked me what do I want him to say when I was distressed: to “Tell me you’ll do your best to protect me and provide for us, and you’ll never let me starve”. And I will love and respect him forever. So help me God!
All things that happen to us are not random, even if sometimes I find it hard to believe that God pays attention to all details.
I needed a cold shower of humbleness and revitalized trust and respect for my husband. About three months ago God gave me an unexpected gift of a well paid job offer, just when I thought I can’t go a step further in my current job at that time. And I took it and I made the best of my time at the new job, working with Allison full time, befriending her, learning new skills and programs and regaining confidence in the professionalism and excitement at the work place.
I loved working there… I liked my managers, I enjoyed what I was doing, but that gift was taken away from me just as unexpectedly as it came. And for some reason I couldn’t be upset with God for that. The job allowed us to save more money; it took me out of an overwhelming job context, and just when we were planning to come to Romania this winter, my ties back here broke loose, and now I am able to visit my home-country when my brother’s baby is born.
On a different note, God was so gracious with me to teach me about humbleness again. My husband is now in charge of our income, however big or small that is, and he is living up to it: brave and kind and loving.
We were planning to stay with his parents for a few weeks, before visiting Romania anyway. But now it turns out that we’ll stay with them for a month, while Conrad is building his clients database, finishes a big design project for Barefoot, and gets started with the freelance website. But these days I feel as an outsider more than ever. I am not productive anymore since I don’t have a job; I dislike other people’s expectations of me… because I fear that I won’t be able to meet them and I already feel judged. I wish there was more obvious grace in this context.
But I am glad we clarified the expectations and made living arrangements with my in-laws, splitting the house responsibilities, so tension wouldn’t build up while living there.
I also suspect my brother’s disappointment in our choice of coming to Romania this winter, because he seems to perceive it as a failure… I heard three people asking if “it is that hard over here that we run away to Romania”. And here I am, getting ready for the vacation of my dreams, long and relaxed and inexpensive. To recharge our batteries, just to have enough energy to start this crazy cycle over again in February.
I have been so tempted to do what I think others believe it’s better for us: stay here, start looking for a job right away, keep busy and not stop to think for a second about our real calling, about our direction and purpose. And I fast forward in this particular scenario and I see myself this Christmas: working during the holidays, being extremely tired, and celebrating without snow and without my parents – the forth year in a row, resenting my rush to comply with other people’s expectations of me, of what is rational and responsible to do.
My rush to get a job would be extra motivated out of my distrust in Conrad’s ability to provide… and I need to be still, and trust him and trust God that we won’t starve.
This is a tough time, but as never before, I can rest in Conrad… hence his poem from last weekend. I feel his courage and his strength, and feel like he heard me so clear when he asked me what do I want him to say when I was distressed: to “Tell me you’ll do your best to protect me and provide for us, and you’ll never let me starve”. And I will love and respect him forever. So help me God!
Monday, October 12, 2009
As a Boat
by Conrad Altmann
Oh God, I long to go sailing,
For to bear my cargo true.
But You know that I am wary,
To plunge in and follow You.
So shape me as a boat, oh God,
A bastion straight to lead.
For I fear that I will drift too far,
And land upon the beach.
Craft my vessel thick and broad,
For to persevere the storm.
And lead my loved ones through, oh God,
To protect them til the morn.
May I steer the currents high, oh God,
With a rudder wise and true.
But if that would fail to navigate,
Let my virtue follow through.
For what would lead me off, oh God,
Fill my sails to billow forth.
With gusting winds of loving faith,
To keep my ship on course.
May I captain honestly, oh God,
And feel every timbers' sway.
May I earn the faith of my family,
That on Your loves' course I will stay.
So cast me from the pier, oh God,
Reassure my fears anew.
Will the seas to send me far,
To islands strange and new.
Grant courage to hold my own, oh God,
On the eve of troubled seas.
I will boldly face the swells for You,
For You put Your strength in me.
And when You dock me high and dry,
You'll direct me in to land.
Show me where to build Your home, oh God,
While leading me by hand.
And when Your house is built, oh God,
Instruct me how to pray.
To lead my wife with strength and love,
And remind me where I lay.
Amen.
Oh God, I long to go sailing,
For to bear my cargo true.
But You know that I am wary,
To plunge in and follow You.
So shape me as a boat, oh God,
A bastion straight to lead.
For I fear that I will drift too far,
And land upon the beach.
Craft my vessel thick and broad,
For to persevere the storm.
And lead my loved ones through, oh God,
To protect them til the morn.
May I steer the currents high, oh God,
With a rudder wise and true.
But if that would fail to navigate,
Let my virtue follow through.
For what would lead me off, oh God,
Fill my sails to billow forth.
With gusting winds of loving faith,
To keep my ship on course.
May I captain honestly, oh God,
And feel every timbers' sway.
May I earn the faith of my family,
That on Your loves' course I will stay.
So cast me from the pier, oh God,
Reassure my fears anew.
Will the seas to send me far,
To islands strange and new.
Grant courage to hold my own, oh God,
On the eve of troubled seas.
I will boldly face the swells for You,
For You put Your strength in me.
And when You dock me high and dry,
You'll direct me in to land.
Show me where to build Your home, oh God,
While leading me by hand.
And when Your house is built, oh God,
Instruct me how to pray.
To lead my wife with strength and love,
And remind me where I lay.
Amen.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
I sometimes do get discouraged...
I recognized a while ago that it is 10 times easier for me to stretch my own mind and push harder to make it through and survive and win, in the professional or the social arena. But after two years of keeping my eyes set on the goal, on the finish line, having enough momentum to share with my husband and family, I realized that maybe I should also try another approach, especially when I expect from my husband to have the same drive as I do…
It so happens that I have some time on my hands right now. My first impulse is to get up and be productive, make some money, get up every morning and stretch myself to accomplish more, win the fight with my own comfortability and leisure.
But today I stood silent in my own presence and realized something: I believe I can be the greatest motivator and helper for my husband so he can be the confident provider for our family, for the time when I will be physically impaired due to pregnancy or early weeks of motherhood.
The past two years I have worked with amazing people and I learned every day from them. I feel so rich intellectually, socially, with a variety of office experience.
I love the financial aspects of a business. I have some theoretical knowledge about how it works in Europe, but in the end it's a sixth sense that one can develop in time, pursuing it.
I have been in charge of our budget, and with two relatively low incomes we accomplished amazing things, as if money were multiplying in our accounts by themselves. …creepy mental image.
My husband is an amazing artist, with great people skills, he just needs a partner to bounce ideas off of and believe in him. We have put together his first contract, that was just countersigned by the first, long term Client. I am so proud of him! These two years have given him direction and helped him to grow more that even he knows.
I constantly go back to what I want to accomplish on my own, how I can be independent and shine in my own way. And that time will come again. There is something about the office work that intrigues me and that i love. It got into my system after two years of having an office job. I love the consistent pay, I love the people, i like the system, because it challenges me and I can do my share to make it a better place… depending on the position I behold I guess.
And Romania here I come!
The first day of staying home I missed the office. I missed Allison and my colleagues. I kept myself busy, but I look forward to adjusting my routine, to the changes of this fourth quarter.
My prayers are very intense these days. As intense and real as the fact that I don't have an office well paid job right now. Thank God for his care and for our small but existing savings… :)
It so happens that I have some time on my hands right now. My first impulse is to get up and be productive, make some money, get up every morning and stretch myself to accomplish more, win the fight with my own comfortability and leisure.
But today I stood silent in my own presence and realized something: I believe I can be the greatest motivator and helper for my husband so he can be the confident provider for our family, for the time when I will be physically impaired due to pregnancy or early weeks of motherhood.
The past two years I have worked with amazing people and I learned every day from them. I feel so rich intellectually, socially, with a variety of office experience.
I love the financial aspects of a business. I have some theoretical knowledge about how it works in Europe, but in the end it's a sixth sense that one can develop in time, pursuing it.
I have been in charge of our budget, and with two relatively low incomes we accomplished amazing things, as if money were multiplying in our accounts by themselves. …creepy mental image.
My husband is an amazing artist, with great people skills, he just needs a partner to bounce ideas off of and believe in him. We have put together his first contract, that was just countersigned by the first, long term Client. I am so proud of him! These two years have given him direction and helped him to grow more that even he knows.
I constantly go back to what I want to accomplish on my own, how I can be independent and shine in my own way. And that time will come again. There is something about the office work that intrigues me and that i love. It got into my system after two years of having an office job. I love the consistent pay, I love the people, i like the system, because it challenges me and I can do my share to make it a better place… depending on the position I behold I guess.
And Romania here I come!
The first day of staying home I missed the office. I missed Allison and my colleagues. I kept myself busy, but I look forward to adjusting my routine, to the changes of this fourth quarter.
My prayers are very intense these days. As intense and real as the fact that I don't have an office well paid job right now. Thank God for his care and for our small but existing savings… :)
Friday, September 25, 2009
A story twist...
We live our lives lead by fear, motivated by love, encouraged by hope, or a combination of these, and if you can’t defeat fear you make it your friend, and what a strong ally that would make.
I’m a strong advocate for freedom, freedom of fear, of sin, of impairing self-consciousness… also freedom to love unconditionally, under all forms: patiently, purposefully, decisively, firmly and kindly, lavishly and enthusiastically.
I’ve been so tired lately because of work or sleep deprivation, and that allowed my subconscious to be more awake, and I have all these ideas flowing out of me … and I simply can’t shut up.
What do we fear these days? We fear that we won’t find true love, that we won’t succeed in our careers, that we’ll grow old and hopeless, that we won’t be able to pay our rent next month, that everybody will discover that we are not who we pretend to be, that someone will break into our car tonight (I hate that!), that we will never see our family again, that our lives will be a waste… yes, we fear pain in all forms.
And yet, we keep going, day in and day out, trying to make the best of our lives… or maybe we don’t even try.
…as I wrote this yesterday I found out that the project I was hired for got cancelled, and it turns out that I don’t fit on the Q4 budget. I got very encouraging reviews and feedback… but the reality of the numbers is a different story.
Conrad and I were planning to go to Romania this winter, but we didn’t know how this idea will take shape. Now things became clear but not simple.
What is about a job that we get so attached to? Besides the financial security, we become defined by the yearly wage, we literally wear a price tag, and we wear it with pride, we develop this love-hate relationship with the daily routine, and it’s a topic of conversation… It keeps our mind engaged, it puts us in random social circles and it challenges us to overcome our cluelessness in regards to what is going on in this world.
I believe that having and keeping a job is the responsible thing to do. And I personally love to work. I like to discover and pursue what I enjoy in the situation I’m currently in. I love the challenges, I love discovering new people, I love to dream and live my dreams.
I don’t know what comes next, but let’s live and love and dream, be courageous and rest in God.
I’m a strong advocate for freedom, freedom of fear, of sin, of impairing self-consciousness… also freedom to love unconditionally, under all forms: patiently, purposefully, decisively, firmly and kindly, lavishly and enthusiastically.
I’ve been so tired lately because of work or sleep deprivation, and that allowed my subconscious to be more awake, and I have all these ideas flowing out of me … and I simply can’t shut up.
What do we fear these days? We fear that we won’t find true love, that we won’t succeed in our careers, that we’ll grow old and hopeless, that we won’t be able to pay our rent next month, that everybody will discover that we are not who we pretend to be, that someone will break into our car tonight (I hate that!), that we will never see our family again, that our lives will be a waste… yes, we fear pain in all forms.
And yet, we keep going, day in and day out, trying to make the best of our lives… or maybe we don’t even try.
…as I wrote this yesterday I found out that the project I was hired for got cancelled, and it turns out that I don’t fit on the Q4 budget. I got very encouraging reviews and feedback… but the reality of the numbers is a different story.
Conrad and I were planning to go to Romania this winter, but we didn’t know how this idea will take shape. Now things became clear but not simple.
What is about a job that we get so attached to? Besides the financial security, we become defined by the yearly wage, we literally wear a price tag, and we wear it with pride, we develop this love-hate relationship with the daily routine, and it’s a topic of conversation… It keeps our mind engaged, it puts us in random social circles and it challenges us to overcome our cluelessness in regards to what is going on in this world.
I believe that having and keeping a job is the responsible thing to do. And I personally love to work. I like to discover and pursue what I enjoy in the situation I’m currently in. I love the challenges, I love discovering new people, I love to dream and live my dreams.
I don’t know what comes next, but let’s live and love and dream, be courageous and rest in God.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
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